23.9.10

Lonely Night

Last night I turned off the lights and locked the doors myself.  I have done this an infinite number of times as I have lived alone for years...but last night was different.  It was only me and my dog and slumbering kids, no one else in the house.  This may sound like a full house to you, but I realized last night that the person missing has become a staple in my world.  It's not as nice here without him.


He didn't return home until midnight, and I was already sound asleep.  I rolled over and mumbled something affectionate.  We slept together, so close we were like the same person.  But morning came and he was gone again...this will continue for the rest of the week.


Normally, this alone time would be so welcome to my day, a time to catch up on schoolwork, do some art, listen to music, read...and I still do all of those things in his absence.  The catch is this:  I can also do all of those things in his company.  And last night I realized fully that he and my world have collided.  Some of him is permanently embedded in my life.


Dear, Deer acrylic, spray paint, marker
Painting by Ajax
It's been a long trek getting here from the me who was scared to death of his companionship.  I was a deer in headlights.  He has coddled me, come through consistently, eased me out of the tough "I can do everything without you" shell I felt so safe in.  So here I am, in love, and can't even stand a night alone.  As awful as it sounds, I am really happy here.


If everything is so lovely, where has he been?  He's been gone because of the "M" word.  He wants to put a ring on my finger, and not just any ring.  He says he's tired of not marrying me!  He's working overtime and as much as I hate him being away, I am also so excited for the future!


The "M" word is not a bad word anymore.  I want it with him.  No one else is going to make the cut.  I see myself as an "us".  I know that whatever I dream up, we will accomplish together.  That solidarity makes these few lonely nights okay.  But I can't wait for that ring, and my man in bed before midnight!



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